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ATTENTION:
The following statements are translations of chiselings found on ancient stone tablets experts believe are just part of a long-lost diary of a real pioneer from the Cro-Magnon era known only to historians as Paleo "Big Toe" Joe. Paleo Joe was sensitive about his large digits and did not like that nickname so, in fear and honor but mostly fear, no one alive ever used that nickname in public, ever.
Paleo Joe is said to be an original or the original godfather of the Soprano clan but, unfortunately and as planned, there are no witnesses. Legend has it Paleo Joe and his crew, the Bro-Magnons, waged an epic war on the notorious Mo Skitos Band and the No-See-Ums Swarm for the obvious reasons but also, because of what we've all learned throughout the ages, nobody steals from a Soprano...not even a mosquito.
(Experts believe the image on the right, a recently uncovered cave-drawing, is an early self-portrait Paleo Joe carved of himself right after he lost his first arm in a freak Megladon accident off Ocracoke Island. Local lore is that he was swimming back to Hatteras Island with a load of supplies for his clan when the Megladon hit him. Joe fought him off by hitting the MEG in the nose with bag full of oysters with his remaining arm The local lore is that Paleo Joe "single-handedly" made that same treacherous trip many more times before his untimely death.)
Below are Paleo Joe's Chiselings as translated by experts:
"Too many moons Mo Skitos and No-See-Ums hang on Paleo Joe like a cheap pelt. Like Paleo Joe not have it bad enough with those two pirates, now come new pirate that always seem to stick to Paleo Joe where sun no shine after Paleo Joe go out on hunt. Paleo Joe call him, 'Thirsty Freckle That Grows.'
Paleo Joe had enough, too long pirates roam earth, stealing blood and causing death. Don't even get Paleo Joe started on how Mo Skitos ruin outdoor activities...and everything outdoor activity for Paleo Joe."
Paleo Joe went on:
"Chisel my words! Paleo Joe will not leave this flat earth for sky life before Paleo Joe coax potion out of Mother Nature! Paleo Joe vow to rid clan members and future Cro-Magnons of these bloody pirates! Paleo Joe vow to call it Adiós! Mo Skitos! Reminder to Mo Skitos' clan how Paleo Joe and the Bro-Magnons took down Bloody Mo Skitos and his crew in battle of Mammoth Hill."
Joe ends his historic chiselings with a haunting statement, as if he knew the difference Adiós! Mo Skitos! would make on future Cro-Magnons who would inherit the earth...even if it was flat.
Paleo Joe's last chisel:
"Adiós! Mo Skitos! be real game-changer when come to Mo Skitos war. Paleo Joe is proud one-arm warrior. Now Paleo Joe can leave cave and now Paleo Joe not 'game.'
You're welcome,
-Paleo Joe"
May 13, 63,000 B.C.
***SAD UPDATE:
Ironically, just days after he finalized his Adiós! Mo Skito! potion, Paleo Joe stepped out of his cave and was mauled to death by a Sabortooth who boldly took off with Paleo Joe's other arm and sadly, that dang cat got his good club, too!
Paleo Joe was a hero to humanity, a real renaissance Cro-Magnon long before the renaissance. He remained true to his personal motto to the bitter end:
"I'll give you my club when you pry it from my cold, dead hand".
Chilling, isn't it?
Over the centuries, heated debates have led experts to finally identify "Thirsty Freckle That Grows" as the common tick. They also determined after finding several artifacts in the Nag's Head area that Mammoth Hill was actually located where Jockey's Ridge stands today.
In honor of Great, Great, Great, Great, Great... to the eighteenth power, Grandfather Paleo Joe, another StoneAger from Hatteras Island has re-created Grandfather Joe's lost recipe for his all-natural, plant-based elixer that not only repels pesky insects, it is actually really good for your skin. So if you are looking for the best Mo Skitos and No-See-Ums repellent that seems like it's been around since the beginning of time -look no further!
We decendants of Joe spend so much money and time planning our vacations and our outdoor activities, why not go that extra step to ensure that our families squeeze out every minute of what Mother Nature has to offer without literally...being eaten alive?
Did you know:
- Mosquitos and no-see-ums are actually members of the fly family?
-Mosquitos have not changed in size in over 200 million years? Many insects were much larger back in the day due to the oxygen levels being much higher on Earth back then. For instance, the common dragonfly had a wing span the size of a Sharp Shinned Hawk.